1) The Pizzarito, a concoction that originated at the now defunct Lil' Pizzas on Grand Avenue. The Pizzarito worked like this: take ground beef, mushrooms, heaps of shredded mozzarella cheese and pepperoni, throw it on the steel grill, mix it around until piping hot and place it in a lightly toasted burrito shell, top with sour cream, fold. When Lil' Pizzas was still open, the aptly-named and amply-framed Beth Sauce would give extra ingredients for the standard price if one flirted a little bit and snuck her a can of Schmidt beer. The Pizzarito was then available at the Dairy Queen down the road on Grand Avenue, where it is fried up on a brazier.
2) A statue of a businessman for whom the place was named before he ever set foot in the community and then never saw fit to live there. The town is named for Frederick Billings, who was president of the Northern Pacific when their surveyors reached the tent village. His sculpted likeness can be found in front of the Western Heritage Center on Montana Ave., the street where the hookers used to ply their trade.
3)The "beer batter" at Cobb Field, home of the Cincinnati-Reds affiliated Billings Mustangs of the Pioneer League, North Division. Before every game, one of the 'Stangs is designated the "beer batter" by a secret cabal. If the slugger comes through with a base hit, a horn is sounded a "beer batter" light is lit and domestic suds are reduced to four brews for $6, (a $4 savings) for the rest of the home half of the inning. A good deal, but not as generous as the "Foamer," a promotion that was discontinued years back where every Mustang homer brought 10 minutes of beer, gratis.
4)An unending stream of video poker machines, the kind of video poker machines that pay the winners of electronic games of chance honest American currency.
5)The Western Days kidnapping. During Billings' premiere festival, the Highway Patrol kidnaps one lucky out-of-state-license-plate and they become the city's guest and are treated to a generous buffet of "Magic City" hospitality. The gifts include lodging, meals, cowboy hats, a spot on the human parade float and all-access passes to the Western Days events including the barbecue, beer garden, mechanical bull, Lil' Buckaroos kids games and the nightly concert by rocking bands such as Billy Waldo & the Flying Grizzlies or Sweet Briar. New York City offers kidnappings, but they usually conclude with some form of sodomy and/or a beheading.
6) Michael "Buzz" Bartholomew.
7) Black Otter Trail, which begins on US 10 and winds through the sandstone formations known as the Rimrocks. The trail is named for a Crow Indian Chief who was buried along the route after he was killed by a Sioux war party. Along Black Otter Trail is Boothill Cemetery where villagers from the Old West town of Coulson are interred, including Army Scout Muggins Taylor who spread the news of Custer's defeat and was eventually killed in a shoot-out when he tried to stop the laundress' drunken husband from beating her. The cemetery has also been home to a large contingency of prairie dogs, tunneling through the graves and possibly constructing forts out of the bones. The Black Otter Trail ends on a large area with an expansive view of Billings that is a favorite spot for removing one's shirt while drinking Busch Light on the hood of a Camaro.
8)The Duck Creek Bridge, where teenagers could jump into the Yellowstone River. Most kids leaped from the roadway edge of the bridge, but some daredevils climbed to it's steel apex and took the plunge, until the cops cracked down after that West High kid broke his back. The former principal of Central Catholic High also committed suicide there, but in a van, which had nothing to do with the bridge or the river. New York City has a wide selection of bridges, including: Brooklyn, Throgs Neck, Whitestone, Willis Avenue, George Washington, Manhattan, Williamsburg, 59th St., 145th St., Macombs Dam, Triborough, Verrazano-Narrows, Cross Bay Veterans, Marine Parkway-Gil Hodges, Hell Gate and Henry Hudson, but the police don't release records of when high school administrators kill themselves on, off of, or around the borough-to-borough crossings.
9)Oscar's Park, formerly Oscar's Dreamland, which was a grassy 19-acre mecca off South Frontage Road dedicated to all things farm machinery. It had gas tractors, steam tractors, a windmill, a 100-ton Corliss engine, motors, greasy parts, combines, an old black-and-white movie reel with nude fan dancers, a reconstructed pioneer village, Model T's, threshers, an oil rig, a huge chicken, an 18-wheeler-sized mug of root beer from the old Frosty Top drive-in, an untouchable collection of multiple colors of tractor seats and mechanical leftovers as far as the eye could see. After World War I veteran Oscar Cooke went to the great junkyard in the sky, most of the stuff was auctioned off. A park was erected in his honor and displays a century-old red and green tractor that he first fired as a youth, upon which Oscar's ashes comfortably rest in gearheaded bliss.
Check out the original at the dearly departed ReallySmallTalk.com
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
