Patrick J. Sauer Online

This week, GQ's Robert Draper broke the story that Donald Rumsfeld used cover sheets juxtaposing Bible quotes and war imagery for the top-secret intelligence briefings he hand-delivered to the White House. The "Crusades-like messaging" is one of many revelations in his exhaustive insiders account of the Rumsfeld era, "And He Shall be Judged."

Piggybacking upon Draper's fine work, we here at the Huffington Post have done our own investigative reporting into Donald Rumsfeld's use of religious iconography to sell the Iraq War. We've uncovered exclusive classified documents--seen only by Rumsfeld, a handful of Pentagon officials and Vice President Dick Cheney--detailing a plan to utilize the music of Bush's beloved church. To curry favor and mollify the President, Rumsfeld changed the lyrics of his five favorite Christian songs.

SWINE FLU WILL DESTROY US ALL!

If you're like me, you've taken the precautionary measure of not even watching a Porky Pig cartoon.

I haven't even indulged in my usual Sunday morning routine: bacon, eggs, ham steak, coffee, sausage patty and a viewing of Porky's. Hopefully, this will be the week that Pee Wee finally becomes a man.

(Fun fact: Porky's was the highest grossing movie in Canadian history from 1982-2006. We have so much to learn from the Great White North.)

In any event, if you want to know what evil genius created Swine Flu, I've cracked the code. So we should be able to eliminate the KILLER VIRUS when pigs fly...

Since you're stuck inside, you could find worse ways to pass the time than perusing HuffPo.

I am not a teenage girl. I am not the father of a teenage girl. None of the people I see on a regular basis are a teenage girl. Since all of the malls are being shuttered, I can no longer enjoy the pleasure of visiting the food court to have a teenage girl serve me an Orange Julius.

Truth be told, my interest and/or knowledge of teenage girls ended right around the time Donna Martin graduated. And yet, I want to understand what makes teenage girl tick. Why, you ask, has a rapidly-approaching-middle-aged married man taken a sudden interest in our nation's female adolescents?

(It's certainly not because I have "teenage girls" and "issues" programmed into my Google Alerts, that operation was shut down months ago.)

Apologies to Christmas and all, but March truly is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year....

You know why.

For three weeks, we can put the recession on the backburner and get settled in for the glory that is the NCAA tournament. After filling out a bracket or 17, of course.

You may no longer have an office, but don't hold back on gaming in on someone working stiff's office pool. The return on your $20 is going to be way more than anything the stock market has to offer.

If Marquette makes it to the Final Four again, the time you spend working and not wolfing down sliders at your local watering hole will be time you never get back. (Feel free to swap in your preferred program for Marquette...unless it's Duke, then bugger off.)

Alright fellas, let's do it for Dominic.   

Upset pick of the week: North Dakota State. You heard it here first.