 | Trump 2000. |
I'd forgotten that just eight years ago, Donald Trump threw his hairpiece into the ring as a member of the Reform Party. It was one of many odd pieces of also-ran flair, including a button from the can't-lose 1968 team of Dr. Benjamin Spock and Dick Gregory.
It occurred to me that someday another history dork will be spending their Saturday afternoon looking at memorabilia and wondering...What in the hell does this mean?
| Vote Joe the Plumber '08. He'll clean the crap out of Washington. |
At that moment, my instincts as a presidential historian kicked in and I decided that John McCain needs my help. For you see, good readers of 23/6, I am the workingman's Arthur Schlesinger. Let the liberal elite turn to Michael Beschloss and his $500 coif, my people need only one source to understand how we got here: The Complete Idiot's Guide to the American to the American Presidents.
As the leading scholar for the American Idiocracy, I feel it is my duty to offer the McCain/Palin ticket a "game-changer," so they don't suffer the fate of the Donald and slink off into obscurity.
At this late stage, John McCain needs to make an enormous splash to change voter's minds. Thus I am borrowing a page from Jonathan Swift and proposing he adopt Another Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Elderly in the United States of America from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country.
John McCain's only hope for presidential salvation is to make this the centerpiece of his campaign:
| On the eve of their 77th birthday, all American citizens will be put to sleep and planted in the organic farm closest to their place of residence. |
Swift's mandate to eat-Ireland's-young-to-save-England worked brilliantly in 1729, ending poverty throughout the United Kingdom. Today's average American youth, however, is 97% butterfat, so they won't provide any nutritional value and the healthcare system will be turned asunder by thirty-somethings with chronic heart disease. Adopting Swift's plan in full would also completely devalue the "Hockey Mom" vote, and McCain can't risk alienating his strongest demographic.
By flipping the script and lessening America's addiction to the elderly, John McCain has a chance to rewrite the history books. Yes, initially, he will have to work hard to reclaim many of the senior citizen votes he stands to lose, but my years of Presidential scholarship lead me to predict that within two week's time the new tactic will galvanize the electorate and spur them onto the White House.
And here's why:
- The Green Factor: Let Obama throw out empty salvos to wind, solar and biofuels, Another Modest Proposal is a concrete way to reduce, recycle and reuse the valuable nutrients slowly running through our elderly bodies writ-large. It eliminates the need for dangerous pesticides, gives organic farmers a more level plowing field with Agri-business, and when a tree grows in Brooklyn, no parent will have to waste time explaining photosynthesis. They can simply say, "Awwww, that's Grandpa Henry."
- The Healthcare Factor: According to a 2004 study by the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, a patient's age has the greatest bearing on Medicare costs, eating up more than 25% of the budget. An undefined spending "freeze" isn't going to rally the troops, but wiping out $115 billion in the final blink of an eye? That's the type of fiscal responsibility Americans are yearning for.
- The Social Security Factor: Medicare is circus peanuts compared to the savings that will come when the $586 billion social security bill is halved. That's $293 billion right off the top. By 2030, those over the age of 65 will be 20% of the U.S. population, and the fastest-growing demographic in terms of numbers is citizens 85 and older. Privatizing social security is anathema, but lowering it across-the-board, well that's just euthanasia. Think of what could be done with all the money that'll be saved. John McCain could both balance the budget and build a new country from scratch for the United States to invade.
- The Religious Factor: Sad to say, but I fret that Senator McCain is losing the evangelical base. But righteous folk fear gays, the godless, and the federal government for good reason, it impedes the path to eternal salvation. Make this a selling point, Senator McCain. Let the people know your bold new initiative gets them that much closer to heaven while surreptitiously putting forth an executive order making biodegradable coffins mandatory. You may even secure the oft-overlooked Hindu vote. Ask yourself, would you rather be a laid-off software engineer with a bankrupt 401(K), or a beautiful soaring bald eagle looking out on the amber waves of grain fortified by grandma's DNA?
- The Sarah Palin Factor: One of the big ideas being bandied about is that John McCain announce he will only serve one term. The problem is, nobody's buying it. Another Modest Proposal ensures McCain puts his money where his mouth is, in the dirt. After that, the beloved Sarah Palin will serve eight years at the White House helm, and still have twenty years left over to raise her great-great-great-grandchildren.
- The One-Final-Blowout Factor: Nobody wants to go out like Terri Schiavo, they want people around them who were actually invited to the party in the first place. John McCain's first act as President should be to sign a bill into law ensuring that all final-night festivities will be covered by a $1,000 tax credit, which includes a cyanide-laced cupcake in the flavor of the recipient's choice.
Senator McCain, I know what you're thinking, Americans love their Bubbes and Nanas, and will never get on board. I don't think, however, you've considered the "Bradley effect." It's the scientific term for when your great Uncle Bradley becomes a miserable old cuss who needs round-the-clock care and an umpteenth visit to the hospital when you're trying to sit on the couch and watch the goddamn Philadelphia Eagles game.
It's not too late for the McCain/Palin ticket. The inherent ugliness of the new direction may shock people at first, but it will quickly become the accepted standard and people will get on with their lives, much like with legalized torture and the Iraq War.
You have no time to lose, Senator McCain. I humbly suggest you make Another Modest Proposal the centerpiece of your platform immediately. All I ask in return is that you name me official White House historian.
After all, Robert Caro will be 73 next week.
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