World Record Appreciation Society #13: St. Patrick’s Day Blowout
This past St. Patrick’s Day, New York City’s East Village was packed with Irishy revelers wobbling to-and-fro as spontaneous step-dancing broke out in the streets, but all of the partying wasn’t confined to the sawdust-covered floor of McSorley’s. A few blocks away, a St. Patrick’s Day celebration of a different sort was taking place, and it was a raucous ceiliúradh to match any Pogues concert.
The Universal Record Database held their monthly live show at Joe’s Pub with a St. Patrick’s Day theme. True to holiday form, the lively crowd was lubed-up on discounted Guinness, so much so that the taps ran dry.
The evening kicked off with a father-and-son-duo celebrating their feast day by setting the record for Fastest time for Two Patricks to Name Fifty Famous Patricks on St. Patrick’s Day. (And yes, Patrick Star the Starfish counts. He’s as famous as they get in Bikini Bottom.) Tradition met the future as one Patrick (yours truly) was on stage while the other Patrick (my father, Dr. Patrick Sauer) was Skyped in from the Irish enclave of Billings, Montana. For a few moments, technology frowned on the Celtic connection, but the Record Gods smiled upon us as we nailed the list in 45.53 seconds.
Next up, Elna Baker came on stage and begin affixing conical caps to her person, as it would take her a little while to set the record for Most Party Hats Worn At Once. No good Irish affair is complete without a visit from Johnny Law and Baker almost missed the show after her brazen K-Mart shoplifting led to a future court date. And by “brazen,” we refer to her crime of opening a box of Balance Bars because the flavor she wanted wasn’t available. Baker has a reputation as the Courtney Love of the virginal Mormon set, and in true rebellious fashion she has one message for the Man. “You owe me $1.49.”
While Baker did her Bartholomew Cubbins thing, URDB web show host Ella Morton returned to the stage to reattempt Longest Time Hula Hooping On One Leg. She failed to beat the 3:00 mark in February, but had dedicated herself to a strict hula-hooping training regimen since then. Irish eyes were smiling on her leprechauny getup as she spun herself into immortality, setting an impressive mark of 3:07. There’s an important lesson for you kids out there: Never give up on your dreams, even if they involve yo-yos, hula-hoops or pogo sticks.
Drummer Alex Alexander brought the East Village back to its art rock days, performing the “Most Sounds Made From A Drum in Four Minutes.” Audio experts will have to parse the results, but his Senegalese drum produced more than 200 feedback-heavy noises. Alexander had the audience in a trance, helped by the fact that Baker was still on stage, now more or less hidden under her whopping 114 hats.
First-timer Stephen Bent took three shots at “Most Balls Juggled While Drinking 300 Milliliters of Beer.” It was a bold attempt, foiled by the science of suction in a two-beer foam dome helmet, but Bent manned up and admitted, “There was a general lack of preparation.” He’d just gotten back from a show with the Calgary Symphony as a member of the famed Flying Karamazov Brothers, but he made no excuses. “I don’t blame the beer. I blame myself…and the hat,” he said, adding, “I’ll be back.”
Diego Medina then stepped up to set with Most Backronyms Created in One Minute. Random letters appeared and he came up with phrases, which oddly, included multiple uses of the word “kangaroo.” (And no, “Oof” is not in the lexicon.) The record now stands at 10 backronyms, which probably won’t stand the test of time, but was a solid effort for Medina’s maiden voyage.
The newly married husband and wife team of Christine and Justin Gignac incorporated fine Irish cuisine in their Largest Lucky Charms Beard record. Using fat-free milk (a record-setter trade secret), Christine affixed 61 pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers to her new spouse’s face. Proving once and for all, Lucky Charms is not actually food.
URDB shows at Joe’s aren’t all fun-and-games. Each month, door proceeds go to charity. This month’s recipient was Lifestyles of the Disabled, an organization that helps intellectually disabled adults in Brooklyn and Staten Island live in a productive environment. Director of Development Kevin Joyce got into it by setting the record for Most Lies Told About Oneself In 30 Seconds. He isn’t an African-American, doesn’t have a twelve-inch vertical leap, and isn’t related to Lindsay Lohan, but he is a guy who told 14 lies and had a great time with a gang that did yeoman’s work draining the Guinness. “I certainly had some drinks in me,” Joyce (as Irish as they come) said with a laugh. “It was an awesome night out.”
Next up, comedian Eliot Glazer laid down on stage with his pooch Atticus and stole the show. Not much needs to be said about Most Bench Presses of A Live Dog In One Minute, other than it was confirmed that Atticus was indeed alive, even though he was as still as a taxidermy pup while being pumped up-and-down 53 times.
Colbert Report writer and URDB stalwart Opus Moreschi brought the crowd to a nasally frenzy with the group record for Largest Nose Flute Orchestra. 109 “musicians” joined in the cacophony for a rousing rendition of “Mary Had A Little Lamb.” It needed more bagpipe, but the snotty symphony was the second act of musical experimentation that would’ve made local legends Sonic Youth proud.
The final act of St. Patrick’s Day madness came from Toronto’s own The Record Collection, a comic duo who flew in that afternoon to compete head-to-head for the record of “Most Potatoes Fit in Pants While Wearing Them.” Future historians will debate whether this was a sly cultural play on the generational changes in Ireland from the days of the Great Potato Famine to the booming Celtic Tiger, but for URDB fans, it was a chance to watch two dudes shove spuds in their drawers.
With duct-taped ankles, The Record Collection got after it. The record had dangerous elements to it as Craig Morrison suffered a potato-related finger injury, and it nearly turned into a much more illicit affair. Sam Stilson said his little St. Patrick “almost flew out about five times,” and Morrison noted the back of his drawers did. “I felt bad for the band behind me,” he said with a mischievous Gaelic grin.
In a fitting equal parts black-and-tan finale, Stilson and Morrison ended up with 21 lbs. of potatoes apiece. The night came to close with everyone feeling they’d been blessed with the luck of the Irish…or, at least the good fortune to witness some crazy Paddy’s Day records.
Slainte.
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